Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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