Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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