my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
