I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
