I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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