Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
