i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
