Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
