Quick, to the slutcave!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
