I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
