There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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