I think I died a long time ago.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
