i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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