She is in my trunk
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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