I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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