i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
