May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
