Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
