sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
