do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
