I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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