I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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