This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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