when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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