you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
