I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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