Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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