Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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