I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
