I am puke
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
