Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
