I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
