can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
