i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
