He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
