You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
