Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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