i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
