my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
