when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
