Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
