You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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