I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
