I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
