I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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