I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
