Four minutes until I can fart!
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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