i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
