I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
