I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
