best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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